I should be asleep

I can’t possibly be alone in doing what I’m about to describe.

As of late my subconscious has been overwhelmed with thoughts of conversations I’ve either had in the past, or fictional conversations that I guess I yearn to have. How many of you can think of a conversation from your past that you later thought “I shouldn’t have said that” or “ damn, why didn’t I say (blank) instead” ? Don’t raise your hands all at once.

As of this entry it is 4am, I have to be awake and ready to start my week, and here I am, being robbed of my sleep revisiting past conversations and editing my responses. Or envisioning myself having imaginary ones, with a boldness and confidence I once lacked. In an attempt to give myself some grace, in some situations I was nowhere near the emotional intelligence and maturity level that I am currently (which ain’t much 🤷🏾‍♂️) so I wasn’t truly equipped to express myself properly….succinctly….sternly…regretfully…..or bravely.

Boy but if I was……conversations would have been Tubi exclusives.

I would have told (redacted) how cruel & unfair her rules are.

I would have told (redacted) how I spend our elementary & jr high days upset when she was absent because she was the only reason enjoyed school .

I would have told (redacted) that our relationship suffered when we were under the same roof, because you thought just being present was enough and you only showed effort to connect with me on visitations.

I would have told (redacted) that she was wrong for saying “boy, nobody wants you but me” because MAAAD people wanting me later…..yeah. FOH.

There’s more……but you get the point. Hell, if you’re reading this I probably have edited/remixed one or more of our conversations.

I could go on and on.

What did I learn? Discernment of words is a powerful tool. But sometimes we can “discern” ourselves into a lifetime of shoulda woulda coulda. So the work has to continue, so I no longer walk away from conversations kicking myself, or even regretting not having them at all.

Oh, here’s some water.

Have a good week

Peace & love

MGB