Salute, loves ones.
Something odd hit me today.
I'm beginning to think that I'm afraid of therapy. Sounds crazy right?
I don't think that I'm afraid in the ways that make sense, like ridicule or being looked down upon or anything like that. I'm too old to care what people think of me. No, I actually think its worse than that.
I fear that I have allowed my personality to be shaped around my trauma.
Thinking about my goals for the year, I've realized that some of them are directly related to things that have caused me to experience pain. Various issues with just about all of my relatives, lots of heartbreak from love lost, disappointments from dreams deferred, I mean, you name it. If I'm being honest with myself, I believe that everything that I do, everything that I am, and mostly everything I feel is me responding to the lessons learned through trauma. Regrettably, I think it has guided my parenting as well. I spent all of my years as a dad striving to be the antithesis of my experience, instead of just loving and guiding just because.
Which brings me to my thoughts on therapy. I've often thought my issue with therapy was I felt that I'd be told that the responsibility of closure with parties who have caused me hurt or harm was mine, and it feels a waste of time & money to go through sessions just to tell a therapist
But its beginning to feel like the truth is actually that
I don't think I know who I am outside of my trauma.
Have I been living my life to spite people that were the catalysts of chaos? And if so, why? NOBODY is even thinking about me. Why are they my motivation? For example, I believe part of why I keep THE REMEDY so high of a priority is because of how dismissive and disrespectful my parents were about how enamored I've always been about music. Now I play it on the radio every week. Go figure.
Without trauma to define me, who am I? How do I really feel about things? What truly motivates me, at the core of my being? I'm lowkey terrified that I'll find a therapist that will walk me to the mirror that I'll see my true self in. Well, not lowkey at all.
Maybe this is the year I find out that there's nothing to be afraid of.
Peace & love,