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December 1st.

New challenges, new victories, new experiences, new lessons.

This is one of those posts where I have no idea where I'm going to end up. I just opened the laptop and started typing. Woke up early on the first day of the last month of this decade somewhat anxious and restless. Probably because daily I'm learning that I have to surrender the control of things that I once had control over. And it's scary.

Daniel Yang wrote a pretty interesting piece about anxiety here that made some very interesting points that I took some time to ponder. But if we're being real here, I may have to re-read it to find what I can apply to me. Because all I got out of it on the first read was "You struggle with anxiety? A lot of great leaders in history have as well. Just go through it and you'll be fine." And in my mind I'm like fuck that. In a nutshell it sounds like, you aren't the first to go through this, you ain't special, so get over yourself. Is that what I need to hear right now? Hell no. No disrespect Daniel.

Look, man, my anxiety deserves more than just a "you are not alone". I have hereditary high blood pressure that is complicating more and more parts of my life, my job is.....a job, the radio station I broadcast from is going through changes that make me feel like my show is finite, there are family issues that I can't resolve, and that's just what's on the top of my brain at this second. The comfort of a community of anxious people can be helpful in spurts, but I'm human.....there are days where knowing that others can relate doesn't really make me feel better about the loss of control over things I once mastered. And it's time we are honest about those feelings, and not bottle them up.

So I invite you to vent, judgement free. And I promise that I'm not the "well maybe you should do this, maybe you should do that" person, because #1, anything I can suggest, you've probably already tried and are trying, and #2, that perspective can come off as condescending and above it all. And Marcus is anything but that. Don't have me venting alone, y'all, because I can rattle off a lot if I get going.

December 1st, y'all. The day I come to terms with having to surrender more of my independence. Everything I do from here on for the most part is going to require the help, trust and directions of others who know more than I do, have different perspectives than I do and should have my best interests at heart. And that last part may be the scariest part. One day I hope to read this blog post back and laugh at how insecure and anxious I was. But as of today as I'm writing it, it's difficult to rely on others. I hope this next decade will be gentle with me as I receive the lessons that await.

Talk to me.

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