I don’t trust joy.
There have been puzzling days on the third planet. The paradigm shift that is 2020 has not slowed down on its WTF moments. So far this year has been riddled with surprises, disappointments, terror, resurgences, abandonment, transitions, milestones, heartbreak, mending, confusion, elation, celebration, mourning, roadblocks, revelations, I’m beginning to run out of words. I’ve always tried to view challenges and trials as lessons, and this year feels like a daily physics test I haven’t studied for.
Which is why I’ve realized how much I don’t trust joy. And I haven’t for a long time.
Have you ever been in the midst of a good moment or great experience, and instead of living in it to its fullest, you find yourself documenting it, or taking tons of pictures/videos to try and capture the moment? Or even slide into a bit of depression EVEN IN THE MOMENT JOY IS BEING EXPERIENCED because you know it won’t last? It’s like the Sunday night before going to work on Monday, or the last day of your vacation, or the last encore at the best concert you've ever been to, or the last week of summer vacation (when the world was normal).
We’re trying to capture the feeling in real time and save some of it for later, because we don’t trust joy to stay with us. And we experience it so rarely, we want to remember what it feels like. I keep saying "we", but maybe it's just me. Sometimes trying to find ways to recall those feelings in an effort to keep your sanity and hold yourself together in situations devoid of joy. My spiritual folks will probably say something synonymous with "joy should exist in you always, if you know the source of your strength".....I've probably said the same to others. That said, if we're being honest, I haven't evolved to that point as of yet. The way my emotions are set up, one day that could be true, the next it could be the furthest thing from my reality. I'm trying to get out of blogging only in those moments, but hey, here we are. I was recently asked when I was going to write again. My reply was that I was having trouble with the words, which is true. However, the words woke me out of my sleep this morning, so here I am, at my laptop again.
So let me just close with this.
If you see me out in the world (masked up and socially distancing of course), and I have my phone out taking pictures or videos instead of dancing and laughing or whatever at the moment, or pulling you or a group together for selfies or usies or whatever they're called, don't mind me. It's just me desperately trying to bottle joy, and save it for later. Because life continues to teach me that I'll need it. Sometimes the good places that you are in with people change, and remembering why those relationships and moments and experiences are important can help sustain you when you are in moments of challenge or sorrow. So just hush and smile for the picture.
One thing's for sure: I'm soooooo glad I got as much concert footage as I could when we could go outside. Jeez.
Do remember that I love you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Peace.