I just know my son thinks I’m crazy.
Nah, for real.
Y’all should see how he just shakes his head at things that I may do. Or the way he exclaims “oh my GODDDDD” when I’m being my usually off the wall self, or making him uncomfortable with my unorthodox comments or jokes. I have fully committed to being both the cool ass dad that his friends have grown to love, as well as the crazy ass dad that will lose his shit anywhere at anytime, on anyone, earning me a spot on the “my father is not right in the head” list.
But beyond that, I can't help but wonder what stories he'll share with his future spouse, and/or my future grandchildren. I wonder how many of my ways that he'll either adopt or abhor. The things that he'll end up doing that suddenly reminds himself of me. I look forward to the day I sit with him in his home, with his family, and laugh myself to tears as he recounts stories from his childhood from his perspective. I carry that thought with me daily as I spend time with him, as I go throughout my day reminding myself to stay available for him, or as I deal with my mortality and how he will feel about me when I'm gone.
I wonder if he sees me sometimes. Not the poised persona and the controlled aura I try to hold up in front of the world. I'm talking about ME. The insecurities, the pain, the struggle, the super imperfect spirit. The fact that I can't sleep at night sometimes. The fact that sometimes I leave the house just to go sit in my truck and break down. As he matures, I wonder if it makes me look weaker in his eyes. Or if it will encourage him to feel his feelings and not bottle them up as his dad was raised to do.
I also think about how I'll make myself available to him in his adult life.
As I deal with the millions of insecurities that I carry daily, as I struggle to manage the many things that stress me for 18 of the 24 hours in a day, as I live my life seeing more of my mistakes than my successes, as I deal with the emotions that I keep behind walls that I let NO ONE see, I ask God to relieve him of those pressures as much as possible, but knowing full well he'll need someone to support him as he faces them. If I'm being honest, I don't feel that I have that, and that's ok. I'll find my selfcare some way, some how. But I can't allow him to have that. He's super strong and doesn't succumb to peer pressure, way more than I ever was at his age. I just want him to know on the days that he doesn't feel strong or he is unsure of himself, or just needs a safe space that may not be conventional to the usual parent/child relationship, that I am that.
For levity's sake, I have to admit that I wrote this blog entry in my head as I took one of my daily 2 mile walks at my favorite park. I've decided to rename those walks "my therapy".....the time away from computer screens, shaking cabin fever, stretching my legs, etc. BUT MY BACK BE HURTING LIKE A MFER, y'all !! OMG by the time I get to mile 1.4, it feels like someone is squeezing my lower back muscles with some grizzly bear claws LMAO. I'm the old man on the trail doing stretches right in the middle of the trail LOL!! But I'm gonna keep going.
I'll check in with y'all later.
Peace and love, family.