Quite a transforming month for me.
'Sup family. I felt it only right to make sure that I close this month out by sharing a few (definitely not all) of my thoughts for how much impact this month has had on me. I'm actually trying to decide if I leave this month with the same uncertainties and questions as I entered it with. I may revisit that point once I get ready to click "Publish" on this entry.
And without a doubt, May 1st met me with a plethora of doubts, worries, questions, insecurities, WORRIES (did I mention that already?), etc. Yeah man, ya boy was handed a pretty substantial charcuterie board of WTFs to ponder on. The most prominent of which being my health. If you've been with me a while, you know that there was a procedure looming over me for the last couple of years, and well, May 3rd was the day. Frankly, I woke up that day at 3-4 am, stared at the ceiling, and wondered if today was the day that my story ends. Wondering if I made clear to those that I love how I treasure them. Wondering if I was ok with the unfinished things I could possibly leave behind. Wondering if I've fulfilled my purpose in my walk, as well as my purpose in the grand scheme of His plan for not just me, but for those He's allowed me to interact with. Wondering if everyone I've owed an apology received one. Wondering if everyone I need to forgive had been truly forgiven. Wondering what it could possibly look like on the other side. Wondering if my borrowed time had come due.
It was a dark period, but I faced it with a lightness and joy in my heart. Because I decided to attack this trial the way I'd always lived.....with a song in my spirit and a smile in my countenance. I was carrying far more than just worry about this procedure, but you know what? I could only be responsible for how I faced it. So I faced it with courage. I was prepared to accept whatever happened, and surrender my control.
Ultimately, I don't remember being put under, and I don't remember waking up. It was like, all of a sudden, I was somewhere recovering and drowsy. Prayers were answered, grace was extended, and I was covered and beyond thankful. Let those around me tell it, I wasted no time tending to the other things that had been weighing heavy on my spirit, often robbing myself of necessary rest. But I felt that my faith required my work, so I got to work. And it was only today that I've decided to truly rest. I have no more fight in me. I have no more attack mode in me. Not right now. I've decided to finally sit my ass still.....physically, emotionally, spiritually and whatever else kind of "ally" there is out there. I need the break. I have not cheated the process of bettering myself, trying to do more for myself, defending and protecting myself, and holding myself accountable. The man on May 1st has evolved. The man on June 1st feels a little bit stronger, a little more confident, a little bit lighter, a little bit more at peace. I see it in my mirror, which is the only view that truly matters.
I honor and thank those who took their time to reach out and offer prayer and love, friendship and consistency, encouragement and blessings, and making me feel important. It wasn't just me getting me through this, it was the energy and love for those who care. I am forever grateful.
The challenges are far from gone, please believe. But I'm getting stronger, and ready to make the enemy even more mad while face them.
Do remember I love you, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Peace & Love,