I have been getting my entire ass handed to me the last few weeks.
Hard realities have been cracking my face with the force of a punch from a boxer from Brownsville.
2020 is making a serious run for the most agonizing year of my life. The last year I hated this much had to have been 1995. Let's see, I had to drop out of college because I was broke, my two roommates and I lived in a crappy 3 bedroom apartment in a crappy part of town, my bum ass job at the time was paying me pennies, I was dealing with racism for 40 hours a week, then one by one my roommates broke our lease and left me with an apartment I couldn't afford on my own, which left me temporarily homeless, (I would leave my living room window unlocked so that I could sneak into the apartment when the leasing office put a lock on the door handle), I had no electricity or phone for months, I had no friends, no support, no family to lean on, I lived by candlelight and ate vienna sausages to survive, and even stood at the deep end of the pool and considered ending it all.
And fuck 2020.
Without going into details, the realities of this year have turned my sporatic anxiety to a constant ON. I'm nerved up about everything. I fear everything. Holding on to things out of paranoia is proving to be a fail. The new normal has taken effect in every single facet of my life, and I feel like the last person on the planet successfully adapting to it. Depression, hurt and confusion have been keeping me company like never before. It feels like even those who understand me best are like "WTF is wrong with you". Please don't make me feel I'm alone in this, I know SOMEONE reading this can nod in solidarity at least once. I know, I know, everyone has the positive mantras that they've been sharing on social media and text.....about how there's a lesson in this, and a closed door will open another, and so on and so forth, yadda yadda yadda. I know all of those things to be true. But they rarely help with the true emotions that make sleep rare and make joy fleeting. And understand, this is not a cry for help. Because I've already reached out for some finally.....I started therapy.
You know how I know y'all don't love me? Cuz y'all didn't tell me to expect to have my ass handed to me like this.
My biggest hangup to therapy was finding a therapist I felt comfortable with. I'd always felt I'd be more comfortable with a therapist who looked like me, but older. I need Ol' Head, OG vibes....someone I felt had lived life beyond where I've been and can see where I'm headed in a way.
ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
And I think I've found him. We are 2 sessions deep and man when I tell you.....he has been gathering my ass and we've only spoken for 2 hours so far. And we've just started with the surface stuff. We haven't really dug in to some of the deeper portions of my psyche. I'm trying to remain open and vulnerable but I'm honestly afraid to. But I'm gonna be brave. Hard as it is to continue, I must. Because now that I've started, I don't think I can deal with this mountain of emotions and stress by myself anymore. I hadn't been doing a good job of it for the last 30 years, clearly.
SO.....to all of my fellow stubborn men out there who have neglected getting therapy over the years.....let me encourage you just as I have been encouraged......give it a try. Just, give it a try. I am. And I'm early in it, I'm not someone who has years or months of therapy sessions. But we have GOT to try something different to heal our minds and souls. We have to heal from the mistakes we make, the pain we suffer, the bad hands we've been dealt, the impossibly hard choices before us, the overwhelming responsibilities, etc, etc. Let's make a step to normalizing this form of self care. I'll let y'all know how it turns out for me. If I'm being honest, at this point I end up leaving sessions feeling down. There have been insights that I will try to adapt to try and make the sessions work for me. But for now, when we end sessions, I need time to deal and heal all over again. This shit is tough. I can only imagine what it's gonna feel like when we get into the meat of the whole process. But I want to see the other side of this.
I need help. I have needed help for a long time. And now I'm getting it. Just step one. I'm scared, but still taking it.
Do remember that I love you, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Peace & love.
And go listen to THE REMEDY.